La Cucaracha!!

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

Those of you who know me well, know of my undying fear of cockaroaches. And not the little tiny ones that are actually the "bad" roaches, but the huge, scurrying, flying brazilian roaches that actually come into your house wanting to pick a fight!

There are different types of large roaches. We've got the madagascar hissing cockaroaches:


These guys arent too bad. They're kinda slow and dumb. If I saw one crawling around my house, I would probably kick it out the door and go about my business. I might even eat one on Fear Factor, but depending solely on how many beers I had had prior to the challenge. I did, however, once watch an episode of Survivor Man where the main dude on the show was camping out in the rain forest and had to sleep on a bed of these bastards, where they were crawling all over the ground, the trees, and the dude. If I was forced into those miserable conditions, you will probably find me rocking myself on the top of some tree, sucking my thumb, and crying "Mama".

Next up, we have the little roaches that are actually the "bad" roaches that we spoke of earlier.



Now, the reason these are bad is because they breed like crazy, once you get them in your house it requires a nuclear winter to get rid of them and they carry disease. And I hear that that probably doesnt work on these guys either.

I will smush one of these without thinking twice. I had a case of these bad boys when I moved into a new house in Taylor once, and I bought a can of Pink Raid for each room. Each time I saw one, I would douse 'em. After a couple of months, problem solved. Keep that in the back of your mind in case you are ever encountered with such a dilemma...."Pink Raid, when a nuclear winter cant do the job"

AND NOW.... For the star of our show....



I HATE, LOATHE, DESPISE, this abomination that I am convinced was sent to us from Satan himself to keep us constantly reminded that "Yes Virgina, there is a hell".

I had to cross my eyes while downloading and posting this picture so I could blur the image and not get a good look for fear of the nightmares I would have had to endure if had.

One of my first memories is of a time when I was probably about 5 years old and i was getting dressed for school. I pulled a pair of pants out of a drawer and shook them so I could put my little legs into them and one of these bad boys came scurrying out on HIS little legs. I screamed like a little girl (get it), jumped on the bed and this is what probably started my life-long hate for all things cockaroach.

Here are some funny bullet points that should drive my point home about the confrontations I have had with roaches. I call them confrontations, because a cockaroach WILL fight you back. If you step on one and it doesn't die, or you spray one with the Pink Nuclear Winter Raid, it will turn around with steam coming out of its nostrils, head down and will charge at your big toe like a ram during mating season.

1. My parents house in Dallas had these guys while I lived with them for a while in my early 20's. I used to sleep at night wrapped up completely like a mummy, under my sheets. Sheet completely tucked around my entire body so NOTHING could get in. Even air was scarce...

2. I once stepped on one and he started moving again, so I threw the 1st thing I could find on top of him which was a pyrex bowl. I couldnt sleep that night, because I could envision this guy lifting the bowl, high over his head to escape. He lived in that bowl for several days because i was afraid to lift it and had to call my brother over to diffuse the situation.

3. (Also known as Amys favorite) - I had a long necklace that I had accidentally slept in one night. I woke up the next morning, headed to my closet to change shirts. As I pulled the shirt over my head, the necklace had twisted aroundand it dropped on my back as I peeled the shirt away. I then proceeded to beat my back with said shirt because I thought a roach had somehow crawled onto my back or had fallen from the ceiling onto me. I flailed like this for quite sometime, by the way.

4. Speaking of Kamikaze roaches...I once sprayed one in my bedroom, but it scurried so fast behind my dresser. I thought "surely I got him well enough...he'll die a slow painful death...It'll be GREAT!" and I went to sleep without a worry. About 15 minutes later, BAM, right on my forehead! The roach! He had crawled up the wall, onto the ceiling and kamikazed onto my forehead! I swear I even heard a small voice yell "Geronimo!!" Bastard.

I have many more encounters I could share, but I feel I have given these jerks enough of my time and blog space.

There are however two cockaroaches I DO like...

La Cucaracha Dance



And this guy

Happy Halloweenie!!! (post that as #1)

Shitty jokes. THE HUMANITY!!!

Since we have entered the hallowed month of October, where all things evil, vile and fearful reside, I have decided to dedicate the next 24 days to all things that scare the shit out of me. There isnt much, so the last few days, I might be reaching, but alas....Here is post #1 ....No...the shitty jokes dont count...although I am fearful of them, they're definitely not in my top 10.

Fear #1 - Possession by Satan (aka, "you're fucked")

My fear of the devil stems from my Catholicism and shitty parenting. I am Catholic (what what..raise the roof! Hells roof that is! BOO-YA!) and I plan to teach my daughter the teachings of Catholicism, along with other religions. Right now I cant get her to understand why shitting in your pants is bad...So, we'll save the less intellectual talk for later.

BUT, my mother and grandmother put the fear of the devil into me at a very young age. I remember when I first learned about hell and how I had to be good or I would soon have a trident up my ass. I was probably about Juliets age. And I would NEVER...EVER..EVER...tell her these stories at her young precarious age! I cried myself to sleep on a green towel, (I vividly remember this) because my mom basically told me I was bad and hell was in my future. Dont even get me started on how she wrote me a letter from Santa and told me I wasnt getting shit for christmas!

Still fearful of Satan, I watched the Exorcist for the 1st time, around 15 years old. Scared the shit out of me, obviously. When I turned 18, I figured in my polluted immature mind "I am now an adult. I can watch adult movies. I am fearless. I can vote"

No.

That is, and will be, the last time I ever see that movie. I am now 42 years old and I still refuse to sit up on my bed with my legs extended because I remember Priest Damians elderly mother sitting in that position crying "Demi???....Is that you Demi??? Help me Demi" when it was the devil in disguise!

If I know the Exorcist is on television on any given night, I will delete that channel from my list, because I dont want to be flipping channels between "the next Iron chef" and "Sell my house"...and find Linda Blair with whip marks across her face and a crucifix in her ho-ho!

Amityville Horror. Another one. My brother and I slept together on bar stools one night, I was about 15 and he was 10, after watching that movie. (Where was Mom and Dad? adding to my bad parenting bit)....My older sister Charlene and I still freak out when we wake up at 3:33 in the morning. If there is a red glare in the window at night, it has to be Satan's pig mafia. If there is more than one fly in the house, I am about to meet my demise.



So.....Rolling in at #1....DEMONIC POSSESSION!!! I'm going to go rock myself in the corner now and turn on the veladoras....

P.S....posting this picture required me scourging through several pics from the movie. I'm going to church now...

I chose the lamest of the bunch, because I didnt want Satan in my blog....Just covering my bases.

Luigi appears to have been in the sewer. Nasty plumber!

So....Juliet and I are going to be Luigi and Mario for Halloween! Sounds great...right? Well...the whole experience has been a fucking nightmare!

I went online and perused Ebay for a Luigi costume for myself. I specifically looked for the costume in the picture.






They seem to be running about $40. I found a person selling one for $27, but it still had about 9 hours left on the bid. I placed it in my "watch" list and even went as far as to set an alarm on my phone to remind me to check the bid that same night. Around 9pm that night, trusty phoney reminded me to check my bid...It was still at $27...I sat and watched it for about 5 mins, then proceeded to have an all out bidding war with a couple of other idiots but I prevailed and won the costume!! I felt victorious!

But that was short lived... Now, remember the lovely photo above??? Well...THIS is what I received in the mail:














Apparently Luigi had recently worked down in the sewers of Hell. The "L" on the hat seems to be the most important part of the costume, that is what actually makes me Luigi! Without the L, I am simply a tard in overalls and a green hat!

And the gloves look like they were recently used by Mike Rowe in the latest episode of Dirty Jobs....or by Pig Pen during his latest masturbation session.

I proceed to write the old hag that thought this was an acceptable transaction and tell her that this costume is filthy, it stinks, and the very important "L" is missing on the hat!

She writes me back telling me that the hat did not have an L on it when SHE got it, so she simply cut out a circle on a white piece of paper and DREW an L on it and glued it on and it looked GREAT! and I should do the same.

Ghetto Luigi.

I told her that was completely unacceptable and that I needed my money refunded. I told her it was disgusting, stinky and stained. She mentioned none of this on her Ebay post! I threatened to report her to Ebay and leave her a rather nasty rating if she did not comply.

I proceeded to send her the above pictures and she had the audacity to write back "Sweet Jesus! It is not as bad as you say. The hat has glue marks and the gloves have a stain or two, but if you insist, I will send you a refund"

I wrote back "Holy Moses, I insist"

Luigi wins!



Heres a pic of Juliet in a PROPER Mario costume. See the "M"...Thats M for MARIO!

You want *pic* of fries with that?

Random observation of the day: Taking Juliet to Mcdonalds...of course...I pay with cash, which in of itself is a rarity these days. Paid the drive through attendant, and he typed in the amount of $$ I gave him and coins came rolling out of a coin dispenser. No longer have to count change. Proof the movie Idiocracy is Nostradamus-esque! I heard, and dont know if this is true, that they have pics of the food on the register so you dont have to know how to read to operate the register either.

Queue Mcdonalds theme song "do do do do doooo...We're lovin it"....not.

A couple of Sandras Favorite pics..

WHAT!? Two posts in one day.

I was cleaning out my computer and came across these 2 pics.

Diagram A is a picture of me on a day that the circumference of my bra and the waistline of my skirt were too tight, rendering me into an animal balloon.

Diagram B is a picture of the fat on the back of my neck, once again, rendering me into an animal balloon.

Diagram C is an animal balloon.

RIP Lavadora

My washing machine went out. My entire life I have compared 2 people growing old together as a "washing machine and dryer"...In the sense that when one of them dies, the other one is usually right behind it. I hope that is not the case for me.

Dear Appliance Gods and/or Saints,
If you spare my dryers life, I will forever change my analogy. From now I on, I will describe an elderly couples simultaneous death with the words "when it rains it pours"...or "thats fucked"

Amen.

Waffle crack

In an attempt to think "glass is half full".....I imagine everytime I peel my ass off my leather car seats in this excruciating weather....Or off of my waffle lawn chairs....that the Gods are working with my misery and giving me a hair extraction/waxing on the back of my legs and the South 40.